I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
