All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
