Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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