I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
