They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
