I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
