FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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