I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
