so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I fill condoms, not promises.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
