So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
