so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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