I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
