If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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