Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sponge bath it is.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
