I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
