i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
it's like iHOP with fire
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
