I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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