Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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