I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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