I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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