And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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