well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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