theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
