Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
