hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
