Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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