She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
