Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
