I CAN MOONWALK!
he shaved USA in his pubs
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
