My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize