Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
