Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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