I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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