It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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