I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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