also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I believe in your delicious
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
