HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
