you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
