She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
