He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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