I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
