If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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