im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
