i need an iv and a liver transplant
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
