dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
