I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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