No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
