i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
