On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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