How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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