also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
