you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
