Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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